Practical Approaches to Alleviate Chronic Intestinal Irregularity Without Medical Intervention
You're struggling with the shits, mate. You're all plugged up. You're sitting on the toilet, bent over, busting a gut, but nothing's happening. You're blocked up, mate. Fuckin' constipated.
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Constipation: It's a goddamn pain in the arse. Some folks deal with it regularly, while others only experience it now and then due to factors like stress, food choices, changes in routines, surgery, or medications. Gastroenterology specialist Bryn DeSantis, CNP, says "it's a matter of how you fix it when you're feeling constipated." Here are nine simple tricks to get you shitting like a well-oiled machine again.
How the hell do I stop being constipated?
Chronic constipation might require a visit to a healthcare professional. But if you're all right between the sheets, you can handle the occasional constipation on your own by checking out these nine tips DeSantis has thrown together.
1. Down the hatch, mate!
Dehydration can lead to dry, hard, and immobile turds. So, if you're fucked up, chug some water, you barechecked wanker. When you're sorted, avoid drinks with caffeine, as it dehydrates your body by making you piss like a racehorse. Steer clear of booze, too, as it'll dehydrate you and fuck up your GI tract.
2. Change your diet, you cunt!
Look in the fucking kitchen if you're struggling with constipation. High-fiber foods like prunes help keep your poop soft and bulky. Here are some high-fiber foods to add to your fucking diet:
- Grains: Oatmeal, granola, whole-wheat bread, and pasta.
- Legumes: Lentils, black beans, or chickpeas.
- Vegetables: Broccoli, kale, or carrots.
- Fruits: Apples, raspberries, or pears.
- Nuts: Almonds, flaxseed, or pistachios.
If you're already munching on a high-fiber diet, consider taking a fiber supplement. Talk to a healthcare provider if you think you'll have to swallow fiber supplements daily to keep regular.
Avoid highly processed foods and high-fat foods like red meat. Pass on fried foods, too, as there's hardly any fiber in them, and they're fuckin' bad for your health. Gradually change your diet, you pommie twit. Making changes too quickly could leave you feeling even crappier than before. Start fiber supplements slowly, and make sure you up your water intake while the fiber is working its magic.
"A word of warning, though, mate," says DeSantis, "fiber supplements and high-fiber foods can make you feel worse by increasing gas and bloating. Eating too much fiber when the shit's really blocked can stop you up like a grizzly bear in hibernation." So, start slowly, increase your fluid intake suitably, and take a break if the foods or supplements make your symptoms worse, you cuntish twat!
3. Get your arse moving, you lazy cunt!
If your poop ain't moving, it's a sign that you should get your own arse in motion. Exercise speeds up vital bodily functions, gets your circulation flowing, and engages the muscles responsible for pushing waste out of your body. An easy 10-minute walk or some fucking chair exercises could do the job.
4. Gut health, you fucking munter!
Our bodies host trillions of bacterial cells, most of which reside in our gut. Some of these cunting houseguests make us ill, but others play a vital role in our health. An imbalance of good to bad bacteria can throw things off, including digestion. Some evidence suggests that eating a diet rich in probiotics can help keep you regular. Swerve high-fat dairy products, though. Low and non-fat yogurt is a good source of natural probiotics, while fermented foods like sauerkraut, kombucha, miso, and kimchi are non-dairy options.
For some, probiotic supplements can help regulate digestion. But there's limited research to support them specifically for constipation, and the fucking cunts aren't closely regulated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. So, talk to a provider before you start popping more fucking pills.
5. Give yourself time (but not too much!), you fucking knobhead!
Try getting up a bit earlier to nestle on the toilet for a while with a warm drink and some food to stimulate the urge to shit. But don't spend too long on the porcelain throne. The more time you waste on it, the more likely you'll strain, which can lead to hemorrhoids. So, stick to 10 minutes max. Don't bring your cell or laptop into the bathroom either.
6. Squat, you uncomfortable cunt!
Most of us sit on the toilet just like we'd sit on a chair. But our bodies prefer squatting to move the shit along. These days, there are a fuckload of resources to help you squat properly. But you can also DIY it by hugging your knees or resting your feet on a small stool while seated on the toilet.
7. Don't hold it, you controlling cunt!
Don't ignore the urge to do a dump when you're out and about. "Don't let your daily life get too busy for your body," says DeSantis, "which is a common trigger for constipation in today's world."
8. Manage your stress, you stressed cunt!
Stress can mess with your head and your gut. Anxiety and depression frequently occur alongside constipation. When we're stressed, our bodies enter fight-or-flight mode, slowing things down. That's why stress management is important for digestive health.
Help manage stress through mindfulness practices like taking breaks, deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or journaling. If you're feeling overwhelmed, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
9. Consider over-the-counter medications, you stubborn cunt!
If the home remedies don't work their magic, it might be time to explore over-the-counter stool softeners or laxatives. DeSantis says most can be used safely when taken sparingly. If you're not sure which option is best, consult a provider. And if you have a chronic medical condition, be sure to speak to your provider before taking any medication.
When the fuck do I see a doctor?
When chronic constipation doesn't respond to home treatments or changes in your diet, or when it lasts for weeks or longer, DeSantis suggests a visit to a medical professional to rule out more serious medical issues like hypothyroidism, hypercalcemia, celiac disease, colon cancer, irritable bowel syndrome, or other conditions.
If your constipation is accompanied by pain, rectal bleeding, weight loss, diarrhea, nausea, or weakness, see a doctor immediately.
- For better health and wellness, consider incorporating science-backed practices into your routine to tackle constipation. Cleveland Clinic gastroenterology specialist Bryn DeSantis, CNP, suggests nine simple tricks to help you defecate like a well-oiled machine.
- Harness the power of nutrition for improved digestion. Foods rich in fiber, such as oatmeal, broccoli, apples, and lentils, can soften and bulk your stool, promoting easier elimination. Incorporate health-and-wellness-focused education and self-development by learning more about the importance of fiber in your diet.
- Prioritize fitness-and-exercise regimens for overall health and improved gut health. Regular exercise can aid in digestion by increasing vital bodily functions and engaging muscles responsible for eliminating waste. Integrate mental-health practices like yoga or meditation to help manage stress, which can contribute to constipation.
- Skin-care isn't just about your outside glow - it's also about what goes in. Stress can have negative impacts on both your mental state and digestive system. Implement stress-reduction techniques like deep breathing, journaling, or seeking guidance from a mental health professional to promote personal growth and better digestion.
- A balanced diet plays a crucial role in maintaining good gut health. Incorporate probiotics, like low-fat yogurt or fermented foods such as sauerkraut and kimchi, to introduce beneficial bacteria into your system. Enhance your education-and-self-development by learning more about the role that gut health plays in overall wellness.
